well, i'm half way hoping that no one reads this anymore, but if someone happens to stumble across this post, it won't be the end of the world. i had a difficult trombone lesson today and just need to put some thoughts down. i don't currently keep a journal (maybe i should :-)) and i just need a quick place to put some thoughts down, so here they are.
like i said, i had a tough time in my lesson today. the specifics of the techniques i was struggling with aren't necessarily important. to sum it up, though, my high range sucks and i'm having difficulty controlling tension. i think it's mostly in my throat and neck. but, like i said, that's not really the important stuff.
what's important is the way i was feeling during the lesson (and afterwards) and the awful thoughts that were running through my head. i typically don't allow such thoughts to ever enter my brain, but today it was more difficult than usual.
i had this thought that i don't deserve to be here and i don't deserve the scholarship i'm on. i also felt like i didn't earn the placement that i got for ensembles this semester. being a bass trombone player (or even a trombone player in general) i've been fortunate to be afforded playing opportunities that are above my head, for the sole reason that there is no one else around to cover the parts. i'm starting to realize that it's all been a double edged sword. i've gotten better because of those opportunities, but i'm now in a spot where i skipped some very crucial steps along the way (atleast i'm feeling like i have at the current moment). it's not a good feeling to think that i can't perform a basic technique while beginning my masters degree.
another awful thought that entered my brain today is that i've just been fooling myself and everyone else with this whole becoming a professional musician thing. this is the thought that hurt the most. it's the idea that everyone thinks i'm so good (not that people think that or should think that but you know what i mean) when i intamitely know that i'm not. when someone pays me a compliment about my playing, most of the time i feel like i've gotten away with something. like i just fooled them or even lied to them. i know sometimes i even lie to myself just to get over my frustration. i also do this because telling myself i suck doesn't do me any good.
what i'm starting to realize is that i can't lie to myself about my problems, but i need to find a way to be honest with myself about them without being negative. i wonder if i can admit that i have a problem and be happy to have that problem to work on...
my other method to deal with this comes from my teacher. he reminded me that i need to be a happy, peaceful, patient, and tenacious person. being unhappy and getting down on myself won't make this go away or make it any easier. basically what i need to do is not let my trombone playing control my overall mood for the day. that's a hard thing to do when i'm so attached to my playing. after my lesson today i walked home listening to some relaxing music and then when i got there i just laid down on my bed and fell asleep with no alarm. now it's 8pm (haha, my lesson was at 1:30) and i'm feeling ready to give it a go again.
ok, well, i really hope i didn't subject anyone to such a lame post, but to be fair, you were warned at the beginning. not sure if there will be any future posts, but we'll see. if i'm able to get over this rather quickly i may post a lil follow up with what i did...but i don't think this is gonna be one of those things i can fix quickly.
here's to not being discouraged,
james
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6 comments:
Sounds like you have everything you need to work through it. I'd have a tough time trusting somebody that didn't doubt once in a while.
JAMES!! Don't get too down on things. We all have rough, self-doubting times (mine have been the last month or so), but it's how we make it through them that counts (sorry if that sounds really corny). I'm listening to some relaxing music now, too, and that seems to help a lot. I think you're great at what you do, and I hope that you keep doing it so someday I can say "Yeah, you hear that bass bone player on that CD/in that orchestra? He designed my website. Suck on that, biatch!!" I've always thought you were great and focused, something I've been envious of. You'll do great at IU. Keep in touch when you can.
~Drizzle
One of the weird things about musicians is that we all have extremely different backgrounds. Unlike math or business or whatever majors, we don't all start on the same "square one". Because of that, and because music is such a broad field, some people are better than others at certain things. So don't be too hard on yourself if you're behind in some areas - you're way ahead in others. Every musician has their weaknesses and their strenghts.
Oh, and those people who give out scholarships? They know what they're doing. They wouldn't give money to people who didn't deserve it.
I don't think starting grad school is ever supposed to be an easy transition, but hopefully it will get easier from this point. :)
James,
I check your blog several times a week and I was happy to see you back. :)
My advice,
1) Remember frustration is part of the learning process
2) Never think you're just filling the spot
3) The work you put in to improving yourself speaks volumes in your sound
I've got more crappy advice if you want it, but I hope you continue to do well.
Glad you're back! I check every once and awhile just to see if you had any cool observations on life.
Not that it's necessarily a good thing and I'm writing this a day late, but I think that it is helpful that you DO care so much. It's good that your teacher cares that much too.
As someone who went to lessons and ensembles all through undergrad feeling like her teacher (or anyone) really gave a crap whether she tried or not, I'm glad that you care and your teacher cares.
You'll be brillant!
Just my opinion, I could be wrong!
james, i like you. love, josh
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