it really is about the journey

so here i am, in my 5th week of graduate school, and i'm feelin' pretty burned out. don't worry, this post won't get depressing, i promise.

when i first got here, i had a few goals that i was looking forward to tackling and some things i was pretty optimistic about. i was coming off of a summer where i had been very dedicated about working out and i knew that once i got to school and quit playing 7 shows a day outside in the heat, followed by staying up till 2+ am in the morning, i would most likely start to make some nice gains. (ok, i know some of you laugh at me trying to gain weight, but others of you know it's mildly important to me). sure enough, i've put on some weight and am about to reach my goal. (to spare myself the embarrassment, i won't tell you what that goal is. you can probably guess anyways.) now that i'm so close, however, i'm losing the motivation. instead of eating first thing when i get up in the morning, or right before i go to bed, i make some excuse like, "it won't kill me to miss this meal just once."

and of course, the same thing is beginning to happen with my playing. in my first few weeks, i was really struggling to play with a good orchestral bass trombone sound. my high range/endurance was basically non-existent despite the fact that i played tenor all summer long out at dorney. i was EXTREMELY motivated to get it back and worked patiently and diligently to do so. this last monday (2 days ago) my teacher gave me a huge compliment in my lesson. he said something like "james, i'm starting to hear glimpses of the bass trombone player you're going to be someday." ok, so, maybe it doesn't really sound like a compliment to you, but trust me on this, it's the closest i've come to one in my lessons thus far and it was right after i got done playing something that i thought came out pretty well. also, in studio class the week before, i was able to shake my nerves for the first time while playing in front of people at this school. it was a huge relief for me.

one last thing before i move on. when i first accepted here and began to tell everyone, i was told how difficult of an academic school this would be. i was nervous about this not because i'm not smart (well, i am a trombone player...) but because i knew that i have problems sometimes getting homework done. so, i told myself i was going to stay on top of it from the very beginning. so far i have and i've gotten nothing less than a B+ on the many quizzes and tests i've had so far.

so now, here i am, somewhat "satisfied" with how i've been handling everything and i'm beginning to lose steam. i slept in and didn't go to my music history class this morning. it took me about an hour to eat something after i did finally get up. i have a theory assignment due tomorrow that i haven't started yet and i haven't played a note yet today. granted, i'm going to get all this stuff done and it's going to be fine. i'm not writing to complain about all the stuff i have to do. that would be pathetic.

what is interesting to me though is that i'm happy with how i've been handling this experience so far, but i'm now becoming bored with it. i used to be proud that i was able to get up and go to the gym before my 8am class and now it just sort of seems routine and ordinary. same with everything else. i know it's cliche to say that i'm stuck in a rut, but it's sort of what it feels like.

so now i ask myself what the heck i'm going to do about it...

i don't exactly know the answer, but the obvious thing to do seems to be to set some new goals that, in order to meet them, require i continue to do what i was doing those first few weeks. the playing thing is simple. i need to find some auditions and go to town with the goal of winning one. as for putting on weight and working out, my goal will be to weigh 10 lbs more than the goal i'm about to reach. as for the school thing, i'm not sure. i'm thinking about setting up some kind of thing where i reward myself with something silly for getting an A or getting my homework done in a timely fashion. i'll take suggestions on that one.

well, i guess i'm done writing about that for a while. i'm sure i'll be keeping you up to date on how it's going.

and in case you're not sick of reading yet here are some things that are coming up that i'm excited about.

sunday - schumann 3 concert
next week thursday - dave taylor is here
last weekend of october - one of my new favorite persons is coming to visit (she's a girl!)

ok, really, i'm done now. i could continue on and tell you about colin and mine's first big 10 sporting event experience at the indiana vs. wis game last weekend, but i just need to get away from the computer for a little bit. maybe i'll come back later in the day and write about it. no promises though.

love,
james