if you're gonna spew, spew into this

warning, this post will probably contain nothing positive.

you know you're having a rough day when it feels like your stupid internet blog is your best friend. i remember back in high school when i had an amazing friend, matt, who i could tell anything to and he always could either cheer me up or at least sympathize in a way that made me feel okay about whatever it was that was bothering me. between him and the girl that i was dating at the time, i was never without someone i could talk to.

things seem quite different now. i definitely feel like i'm all on my own. i know i have friends, and i know a lot of them care about me very much and if i told them i really needed someone to talk to they'd be there for me. i guess it's just those rare people that have a way of making you not ask for someone to talk to that i'm missing right now. like my blog. my blog isn't asking me if i need someone to talk to. somehow, it just knows that today is not james' happiest day ever and it's gonna let me spew all my problems onto it without making me feel bad about spewing.

i mentioned the other day that my horn is no longer doin' it for me. well, my teacher reminded me of that again today during a dress rehearsal we were having for his recital. colin and many others have said it as well that i sound so much better on this other horn was playing. if i wanted to put a positive spin on it, i would say that it's a good thing that i can sound much better by simply playing a different piece of equipment. the negative side, and the more daunting side of this whole problem, is that i seriously have no money for a new horn. new bass trombones are upwards of $5000. if i sold my car and my current horn it would still not cover the cost of a new instrument. so, it's not like i'm helpless right? i just need to find a way to afford this. yeah, but the hard part of this is that everyday i don't have the money for a new horn, i'm playing on my current one, knowing i could sound better on something else. and not only do i know it, but so do the people listening to me. it's hard to play music with those thoughts going through my head and it's hard to get those thoughts out of my head. alsdkfj;asdlkfja;lfkj

yeah, so, i'm pretty realistic about life and i know that music isn't everything, so obviously i'm not going to let that whole thing bring me down everyday on it's own. other things have been eating away at me too.

i really just need to go play frisbee or take a walk or something...

thanks for reading.

love,
james